CSI: MILFORD

Hello, everyone. It tis I, Archibald J. Cat, Esq. I write to you on my brother's web log about a serious matter. Our neighbor's yard has become a crime scene. That's right, JDarn readers. It's CSI: MILFORD. This is our friend, Corny. I stand corrected: this WAS our friend, Corny. Corny was a squirrel. When we moved into our new house, he was a scrawny little thing. Thanks to Dads' fine cooking (pancakes, waffles), corn cobs, and suet bricks (pictured here), Corny quickly became a plump little critter.

When I say "plump," I am trying to be polite. While I have no photographic proof, Corny was fat. Possibly borderline obese. He really liked eating the treats and it showed. This winter, he had more than enough chubb stored up for the winter. When he ran, there was a bit of a tummy trail left in the snow. He loped a little bit slower than the other squirrels. He panted and sweat. (Ok. He didn't. But he should have.)

One week ago, Moms and Dads went to work. In our neighbor's yard, there were footprints. Squirrel footprints. Dramatic squirrel footprints. They started out in a straight line, then started wobbling, then went in a large spiral pattern and, at the end of the spiral, there lay Corny face down, tail up, dead in the snow. I was called in to investigate but, being an indoor cat, I was only able to do my surveilance through binoculars from the living room window. (I asked Dads to go put up caution tape and little mini orange cones but we couldn't find any that were made to scale.) Here is what I have surmised.

Though the patterns in the snow were dramatic, it does not appear that there was a perpetrator who attacked Corny. Only Corny's footprints were in the snow, and his body lay intact at the end of the spiral. Because there were also no footprints darting away from the crime scene, I do not think that a fox, squirrel, deer or other critter murdered our squirrely friend. THEREFORE, I have concluded that Corny had an obesity-induced heart attack. The snow patterns were very similar to those of a Mr. Fred Sanford during his numerous aortic palpitations, which were well documented on the television series "Sanford and Son." I would have liked to continue my investigation via binoculars but another snowstorm came by and covered up Corny. The snow recently melted and he was visible this morning, but it's snowing right now and he blends right in with the other icy lumps and bumps in the yard. My complete report, including possible autopsy (if I can convince Moms and Dads to bring him in the house), will need to wait until the spring.

Dads is considering a lower fat, higher fiber menu for our outdoor friends, but it's not really a topic that the "helpful" people at Home Depot want to discuss. Until that day, suet bricks and pancakes remain on the menu.

I wish you all good health and a good night.

Sincerely yours,
Archibald J. Cat, Esq.
Brother (or possible half-brother) to Jonathan Dangerous