Sleep Training

I know. I promised everyone that this wouldn't turn into a blog about my brother Nate but wait! This blog entry is about how I, Jonathan Dangerous, helped my baby brother. And trust me, I am a miracle worker.

So. This is Nate. He is my baby brother. He is almost 4 months old. He has "friends," like Sophie the Giraffe and a star that squeaks. How a star can be a friend, I don't know, but Nate's pretty positive that the star is one of his tippy top friends.
Being a baby, Nate doesn't know much. He knows how to pee, poo, and drink milk. Recently, he also learned how to coo, caa, and squeal. Oh, and he naps. Little naps. Two hours here, three hours there. Seeing as I sleep 20-22 hours a day, I didn't realize that Nate wasn't a champion sleeper like me (guess I slept through it all).

About three weeks ago, when I was scratching my cheeks on the corner of a nice book, I decided to read the title. It said "The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" and had a post-it note that read, "Kerri said this got her babe to sleep through the night!" The next book I scratched my cheeks on was called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child," with a note from Moms that read, "Dammit! Why won't Nate sleep through the night?" The last book I scratched my cheeks on was called, "Bed Timing." Mom didn't even bother to put a post-it note on this one; it just had dried exhaustion drool on it. I started to think there was a pattern in these book themes....but what was it?

I ruminated on these titles during my 18 hour nap, woke up and shouted, "Eureka! Nate needs my help! I can teach him the way of the super long nap! WOOH!"

Nate was in the romper room, playing on his quilt with his Hawaiian chicken, Moa. I mosied over to him and said, "Hey, Nate!" After we established eye contact, I continued, "I heard you don't sleep for a very long time?"

Nate said, "What is time?"

I said, "I don't know, but clearly you don't either. Look. You're driving Moms and Dads nuts. Up and down, up and down all the time at night! There's another way! Let me show you the way of the super long nap!"

Nate started to do his happy, excited dance.
I continued, "Nate. The Nap. It is an artform, it is a skill, it is a necessity. To begin to find the strength of the super long nap, you must be comfortable."

Nate agreed. He said, "Yeah. I love my glow-in-the-dark superhero pajamas. Do you know how to spell pajamas? It's P-A-J-A-M-A-S PAJAMAS. I know this because Mom sings it to me like Gwen Stefani sings BANANAS? Do you know how to spell bananas? It's..."

I cut him off. "FOCUS. Sleeping." Nate nodded. "Get comfortable. Find yourself a nice squishy spot in the house to snuggle in."
Nate said, "I can't! That's a suffocation hazard! HAZARD!"

I said, "Oh. Ok. Find a nice, firm surface and lie down on your side."
Nate said, "I can't. I'm supposed to sleep on my back."

I began to yawn. This "helping my baby brother" thing is *exhausting.* "Ok. Fine. So no squishy surfaces, no sleeping on your side. Sleep on your back in a confined, firm, safe place? How about the laundry basket?"
Nate said, "HEY! That looks like my crib. Except there are no jungle animals. Where are the jungle animals? Where is my mobile? WHERE DID MY FRIENDS GO?"

Good Lord. "NATE! Focus. Sleeping." Nate nodded. "Ok. When you get in your laundry basket, close your eyes and think sleepy thoughts. Count kibbles in your head." Nate started to protest. "Oh. I forgot. You can't count. Ok. Think about kibbles - happy, happy kibbles. Then think about treats! And catnip! The thoughts will be so happy that you won't want to leave them and so you'll just stay in your happy sleepy place for a really long time. Try it tonight, ok?"

Nate nodded. Exhausted, I went to start my next super long nap. When I woke up the next morning, Moms was ecstatic! She was running around saying, "NATE SLEPT FOR 11 1/2 HOURS! IT'S 7:30 IN THE MORNING AND NATE JUST WOKE UP FOR THE FIRST TIME!" She then said, "I got up at 2:30 and 4:30 and 5:30 just to see if he was still breathing." Silly Moms. Doesn't she know that the super long nap means you sleep for a super long time? Honestly.

I didn't tell Moms that it was me who taught Nate this new trick. I figure it's my gift to her, seeing as she rescued me and Archy from the Petco 11 1/2 years ago and all.... Nate's been sleeping through the night for three weeks now, except for those few days when he was teething, but that's another story.

Moms and Dads - I am available for Skype conference calls with your tots to share my methodology and provide you with the most restful night of sleep you've ever had. Call my agent/lawyer/brother, Archy, to negotiate the fee.

Your friend,
The Miracle Worker - JohnJohn