Bad Poos

Hello, JDamn fans! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I cannot share my news without Moms' typing skills and, well, she keeps saying she's "busy" or "tired" or "asleep." Wotever. K. I have big adventures to share.

Archy had a bad poo. I mean a poo so bad that it scared Moms and Dads. (They said something about lots o' blood.) So Moms scooped Archy's poops into a tupperware container, scooped me and Archy into two kat karriers and we were whisked off to the new state-of-the-art emergency veterinary hospital, the Shoreline Veterinary Referral and Emergency Center in Shelton, Connecticut. Thankfully, Dads just bought a TumTum (known to the rest of you as a TomTom, a GPS system) that told us how to get to the vets' place.

We got to the vet and they took Archy away to "inspect" him. They left me with Moms and Dads in a lobby full of sick pups. I was pretty cool, calm and collected but, from all accounts inside of the inspection room (excepting Archy's -- Moms and Dads were NOT allowed in there), Archy lost it. They actually said he was "less aggressive" than they expected and the vet was able to "sorta feel" his tumtum through his "layer of chubb." (True.) It took 2 1/2 hours for Archy to be poked, prodded and to have his poo-in-tupperware looked at. During that time, among many animals, a cat came in and died (wicked sad), a pug puppy came in with a swollen face because he got bitten by a spider or a bee, and another dog had what could politely be referred to as a "rump problem." The receptionist got to scream "Front Desk STAT!" to the vets in the back three times but one time it wasn't really a STAT moment so she got repremanded for that one.

The facility was wicked cool and nice. I know, because I got to look at it for, again, two-and-a-half hours. Moms and Dads partook in the coffee bar and read "Cat Fancy" magazine. (They're now thinking of subscribing.)

At the end, they took Moms and Dads into a private room to tell them what was wrong with Archy. Since I belong to Moms and Dads, I came too. The vet (Moms and Dads are older than he is) said that it could be many things including 1) nothing, 2) a bad poo, 3) liver failure, 4) kidney failure or 5) cancer. Without further inspecting the poo, they couldn't really tell much but the vet thought it was either nothing or the worst. (He wouldn't commit.) In the end, Moms and Dads went with "Bad Poo" and took Archy home. He got some antibiotics (liquid -- just in case) but they didn't give it to him and, since the poking and proding experience, he's not had a bad poo.

Later that night, after Moms and Dads were asleep, Archy pulled me aside and told me what *really* happened. He said that the vet and the veternariry staff were all aliens. Yes, they did poke and prod him. Yes, they did look at his poo in the tupperware. But after that, they asked him to BE THEIR LEADER, just like Gonzo in "Muppets from Space." (We just got HBO.) He didn't know what to say -- he said he needed some time to think about it -- exactly two-and-one-half hours. He thought about it but, in the end, he decided he was just to brilliant to only "lead." He had more to contribute to the world, including teaching us all how to knead a puffy kitty nest into the perfect blissful state. They said they "understood." Each staff member bowed to Archy Cat and then they said they wished him well. Archy's still not sure why they charged Moms and Dads money for the priviledge of being in his presence but, really, who is he to question such things.

Wishing you all great poos,
JDamn - OUT!

PS - It is almost my Auntie Anne's birthday. I hope Uncle Kent buys her kittens. Cute, chunky monkey kittens. Purrrific!