Raccoon Rump

Hi, Everybody! JohnJohn here - and I've got news! Do you remember that we moved to this big big big house and I have my own catpartment and stuff? Well. This place also has stuff OUTSIDE of the house. There's Chuck the Woodchuck, and then there are the (supposed) turkeys that Moms and Dads "see" outside, and we are working on cultivating the native squirrel population. Now, faithful readers, I am proud to introduce to you our newest outside critter, Bandit the Raccoon.

See, Moms and Dads have a wicked hot spotlight that beams light into the dark, dark forest of our backyard. Last night, before bedtime, they turned out all the inside lights and turned on the spotlight. You know what we all saw? RACCOON BUTT! There was this raccoon and he got super scarred by the light and he ran wicked, wicked fast into the forest. Moms thinks he was trying to steal our empty trash can so she named him Bandit.

I like meeting new critters. At first, I thought Archy and I were it. I mean, once God created us, why would he bother creating other critters? Then we move to Milford and life changed. Moms and Dads met the lady who lives in the house across the street and they have a critter like me too! His name is Peter. When the neighbor met my parents, they told them about how friendly everyone is around here and that there's a neighborhood association. Well. Peter marched across the street (he goes outside!) and he came to our doorstep and knocked on the door. We scratched the international cat signal from the other side, which means, "Hey. I'm a cat. I don't do outside."

Peter then slipped a flyer under the door about the Cat Neighborhood Association. He said that he is the President, CEO and Executive Director of the Association. As such, he claims to be entitled to two cans of Fancy Feast Elegant Medleys and one full bag of treats PER CAT that joins the Association.

Archy pushed a note back under the door, on his official Archibald Cat McLaughlin, Esq. notepaper, which read, "Who are the other members of the Association? Kindly provide me with their names and addresses and I shall contact them to ensure that we are not being hosed."

Another note came back under the door that said, "Um. Er. Well. We do have other members. Strictly speaking, none are cats. We have two squirrels, one crow and have one hedgehog who was semi-excited by my sales pitch."

As I began to scream, "I'M IN!", Archy's paw flew across my cute kitten mouth. Archy quickly typed up a note that said, "No deal. We join for free. Or else there's no other cat members of your Cat Neighborhood Association."

Two membership cards slid under the door with a post-it that said, "Welcome to the Cat Neighborhood Association! Since you do not go outside, our first meeting will take place in a few weeks from now at your door. Your President, CEO and Executive Director, Peter Melman."

So. I am now a proud member of my Neighborhood Cat Association. Since I do not have pockets, I keep losing the card. I hope I do not need it for the meeting.

Your friend,
JDamn

PS The more I meet the critters here, the more I realize we're alike. Moms googled "Raccoon" and this picture came up. Interestingly enough, this raccoon's name is also Bandit too! This Bandit was 77 pounds! While I am a svelt 21 pounds (Yup. Slipped on the diet...but now I'm on a new one...), I do see some similarities between us. For one, he's damn cute. In consultation with the mirror, though, I do believe I'm much cuter.